Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
