every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
