if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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