evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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