You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Pooping to opera.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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