u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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