Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
