Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
