i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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