shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
