I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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