took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
