i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
