If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
