after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
