I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
