my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
honey bunches of taint.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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