It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
