I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
