I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
