Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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