I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize