that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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