You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
