What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
