I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
