I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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