dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
