All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
