If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
