I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
