I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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