you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
