Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
