the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
