My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
