I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
