y did u give ur computer a hand job?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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