um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize