I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
