I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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