So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
