Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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