Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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