I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
