I hate all girls vehemently.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
