Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
