planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
