hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
too bad you live with your parents still
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
