it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
