those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
