My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize