you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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